Self-love and the paradox of love

I read this article just now on instagram; well, ok one can argue it wasn’t really much of an ‘article’ if it was on instagram.. but it made me think nonetheless. I had issues in my last relationship over this. “Self-Love”. It’s something so simple and short yet thrown around everywhere by everyone, as a form of an antidote to having a smooth healthy relationship. But how does one even quantify what ‘self love’ is? Who is to say what it even looks like, or what it entails? R used to tell me, I didn’t give myself enough space or take time for myself. My therapist raised a point; What if the way I loved myself was just different from the way he / others love himself / themselves? For you it may be taking days on your own on your computer, coding, doing whatever tickles your fancy. For me, it might be a whole other thing. What if the way I give myself ‘self-love’ is by being active? Doing things for myself, that also seem to involve other people? I love to climb, because it also gives me a chance to socialise, and be with others. I love to do aerial silks, straps, circus stuff because it allows me to use my body and be creative at the same time! I cannot really say I enjoy running but I can definitely say I detest running with others because it makes me feel stressed and instead of feeling strong in myself I feel even worse.

Do I have to be all by myself in order to practice ‘self love’? Is lonesomeness a prerequisite or can I practice self love even when I’m with someone else? It comes in the form of boundaries, speaking my mind. When I feel uncomfortable about something, I say it. Even if it fucks up a situationship. Does it mean that I wanted more out of that relationship? No, not necessarily. If I ask questions because I want to understand things better, does it mean I have expectations or am I just trying to avoid them? I just needed to express myself. Be heard. Understood. Have a voice. If someone leaves me, that is entirely their problem, and their choice. They leave because they want to; and it’s never because of me. Well, unless I really did something terrible like murder, or cheating etc. I am trying to drill into my brain that it’s not entirely my fault when something goes downhill. Nothing anyone ever does or feels is because of you. It’s almost entirely because of them and their own demons, thoughts, etc. And the same can be said of me too. Here’s what I read below, copied entirely from a sponsored ad :-

You don’t have to love yourself before you can give love to another. This is one of those statements that sounds like it should be valid but it really isn’t. Some who struggle with self-love give their love immensely. And others with an abundance of self-love struggle with giving and / or receiving love just as much as anybody else.

Relationships and love are tremendously complex. There isn’t a one size fits all equation to a universal way to love or engage in relationships. Don’t get me wrong — self love is important and a lack thereof certainly complicates but it isn’t the entire story.

There are many things that make giving and receiving love difficult. Attachment trauma and cultural oppression hugely impact the way we do love. If we ignore these realities and only focus on self-love, we end up creating shame and reinforcing the self-hate that we believe self-love is supposed to heal. The irony!

What if self-love isn’t the antidote we claim it to be? Our lives and the way we love is far too complicated to invest in a simplistic fantasy. Pursue behaviours and thoughts that offer up experiences in self-love but don’t delude yourself into believing black and white statements about something so complex as love. Love, for ourselves or another person is never a constant state. It ebbs and flows; love is definitionally imperfect and constantly challenges us in impressive ways. Be curious and explorative with love in general. Use love for yourself and others as a tool for self-reflection and growth.