How I feel valued in relationships
Having only been in two real relationships; (and I’m not even sure the most recent one really counts; is 4–5 months even enough time to call it a relationship? Maybe a short one) I don’t exactly have much authority to write an article around relationships, or what makes them healthy to say the least. But what I can do is write about how I feel valued in the ones I had, as well as the ones to come.
Respect. I think this is a big one. I find it hard to be with someone who doesn’t respect me. Well that’s obvious, you may think, but actually, not so! Respect comes in many different forms, respect for one’s time, money, energy, boundaries etc. But at its basic level, it’s about feeling like the other person gives you enough space to be yourself. In my last relationship, I felt like a child. Small. Powerless. Anxious. Vulnerable. Unimportant. Too much. Overwhelming. I was filled with a constant feeling of wanting to become smaller and smaller, instead of growing, I wanted to say less, be less forward, choose my words carefully, etc. I even remember a distinct moment when I wore my socks which had the words ‘I identify as a Badass” written on them, and this boy basically laughed at me, saying you’re not a badass. I didn’t know how to take that. I felt criticised a lot, for little things, from eating chocolate to munching on snacks to having lazy days and not doing enough sport. For just being me! I felt I had to be always on form, couldn’t be sad too often, couldn’t be too ‘demanding’ of his time, had to find the invisible line and not cross it.. nevermind that this was my first Montreal winter so my emotions were everywhere, and to top it off my monthly cycles were on full overdrive! It was exhausting!
I stayed in that relationship out of a lot of fear and my own expectations. That this was ‘my person’. That I left Singapore, and had so many expectations that Montreal would give me everything that I felt I lacked back home. Love, life, happiness. I remember it being reiterated to me, whenever he said ‘Wow it’s like the world upside down for you here, be careful you might just find happiness!” I wanted him to be my one person, because if he wasn’t, then Montreal would not be the place for me; where everything magically works out! I found nice people with him, activities, I felt alive, so in my head, it had to work out, no matter what. And I had to do everything in my power to make sure that happened. But little did I realise that it meant self-abandonment.
I operated out of a scarcity mindset, and I feared that I wouldn’t be able to do better. That I wouldn’t find anyone else who gave me as much love as I thought I was receiving. The bar was pretty low when I first arrived here. But controlling someone’s behaviours even if they are bad is not love. It can’t be, can it? I would never flick off a cigarette from his mouth just because I wanted to help him quit smoking, even if it bothered me. I never tried to change him; even if he smoked joints; I never said anything. I quietly took my space, and processed it in my head; I decided then that it’s not a deal breaker if someone I am with smokes, or has bad habits, they do not define said person. When we went camping once, I had to sit in the tent and verbally say out loud that I wanted to choose to see the good and the positives, instead of focus on the small bad habits, that don’t even affect me; it’s not like he was beating me up or treating me badly. So I made the choice to love him, despite that. But I didn’t get the same treatment back.
I struggled with bulimia, back then, for a long time. Everytime I went to the bathroom he would come barging in, or banging on the door if I had it locked. Like my family did to me when I was a teenager. I didn’t feel treated like the adult that I was when I was with him. I felt so ashamed, embarrassed and humiliated at some times, especially when there were others around. It’s bad enough that bulimia is already such a mental anguish where one feels enough self-hate to destroy your own body, but to have someone you love tell you they are disappointed when you succumb to addictions that you’ve had for well over 15 years, come on. That was such an impossible standard that I got so tired of trying to reach everyday. And I justified all this by telling myself repeatedly “Don’t complain so much. Look, he loves you so much, you have to shift your behaviours. Maybe this is normal in relationships? He just wants to help you get better”. Nevermind that he only cared about what was useful to him, to help me, and didn’t think about what I needed to be better. I needed acceptance. But was it fair to ask when I could not even accept myself? NO, what I mean is, acceptance for the way things were, acceptance that I have this under control and I will get better at my pace, and the way I want. So I suppose the word is ‘Support’. I did get some support in the way of meditating together, talking things out etc. But I also had it shoved back in my face when he told me ‘I’m not your goddamn therapist’. Gee thanks, you’re the one who asked me to share my stuff and when I didn’t want to, I was told I didn’t trust you enough and ‘this is not how a couple should work’.
On hindsight, what I got was a whole lot of conditional love. If I was less energetic, and let him be free, to do as he liked, he would be happy and therefore love me. But when I needed him the most, he wouldn’t budge, if it inconvenienced him and his plans. What in the holy hell was I thinking? As my therapist said, I was scaffolding this relationship; always trying to think of ways to be better, researching and googling things I did not yet know, how to be in a healthy relationship; I worked on myself, my issues, and took very careful steps to ensure I did not push my stuff onto him, and kept separate my issues and the relationship issues. I tried to set boundaries, but I failed anyway, because his opinions and views always trumped mine. I don’t exactly understand why I’m still a little hung up over said boy, because after re-reading the above, there is no reason in hell I should be. But hey. Emotions and feelings and the heart is an irrational place, so I’m trying not to judge myself too hard.
I guess it’s true then what they say; no matter what you do, or even if you were the perfect person, sometimes, if someone is not meant to be with you, nothing you do will ever be enough. But it’s important to remember, that you are always enough. And that is something that will never change.
